I don't blog. I don't know how to blog. I can barely work my iPhone, but here I am. I felt compelled to share my story, share my heart with others. Not because I really want to, but because I feel there is someone who can relate, someone who needs to hear truth from another sister in Christ. Someone who can read my mess of a life and know they are not the only one.
The past eight months of my life have been the most painful, joyful, crazy, confusing, complicated times I have ever experienced. I have spent most nights in tears, waking up with no motivation to get out of bed, and frequent "relapses" into a pool of bitterness and anger. Through it all, one thing remains constant and that is the love and faithfulness of Christ. I can tell you now even when you don't feel it, it is the one truth that has gotten me out of bed, pushed me forward to keep going even in times of despair and hopelessness.
I have been broken. Completely broken. I ended a three year relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry, and I never imagined a loss of love could be so painful.
But it is.
And I have had the hardest time accepting that. A break up? Really? That's the hardest thing in my life? That's the biggest thing I am dealing with? Out of all of the crazy stories I hear about suffering and my friends' painful moments with death and divorce and this is my story?
So I did what any single twenty-one year old girl would do and jetted off to California for the summer. I lived with an incredible family in a beautiful home overlooking the San Francisco Bay, took the ferry to work every morning, went to fancy parties, Giants games, met cute boys, and ate incredible food all summer.
It's all fun and games until you're alone.
Until you come home from the party, the first date, the distraction, and you're by yourself and the pain sinks in all over again. So you get on the computer and the pictures are everywhere. You look at your phone and you're reminded of the painful words and the hurt that occurred months ago. And somehow the enemy speaks lies and all you hear is "you're not good enough" repeating itself over and over and the girl who let depression get the best of her six years ago is letting it get the best of her now. Again. This time with a broken heart and shattered confidence.
How do you escape it? How do you escape the lies and find truth when it's dark and you call out to Christ and hear nothing?
Healing is a process. It takes time. It takes patience and waiting and being still. This girl did not want to be still. This girl wanted to move on and dive into life again without skipping a beat. But every time I tried to move forward, putting this mask on, hiding the bitterness and pain and slapping on a smile, I fell down again.
Will I ever move forward?
"The secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is." - Ann Voskamp
That's what I had to do...seek God. Seek Him in all the darkness, in all the bitter places of my heart. Constantly surrounding myself with truth, giving thanks, and praising Him in all circumstances.
I had to ask myself, "Where do you see God?"
And just as I opened my eyes, He appeared everywhere...His fingerprints evident in my story, past and present. It's not always easy. We know we are promised suffering, that it will happen. But the Lord has an incredible way of preparing us, intertwining our lives with others, revealing Himself to us in ways we couldn't imagine.
I still hurt. I still cry. I am still a mess. Life is still hard. But I remember, and constantly ask myself, "Where do you see God?"
"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart"
May you seek Him and find Him even in the darkest places...